America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x11 "The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"

CariDee won, news which deserves hosannahs -- but what else is there to say about the episode? That the editing was particularly noxious (e.g. the ridiculously brief (i.e. less than a second) cut to CariDee's hands during the final judging)? That the show was nice enough to string Melrose along so that she believed she had a chance to win the competition? That no one remembers Eugena already? That the only way the show could create suspense over the final decision is a history of judging so arbitrary and capricious that I couldn't shake the feeling that they'd go with the irrational choice of Melrose? That this was the most boring cycle so far, and is only saved from being the worst cycle by Eva, Yaya, et al from season 3?

And so on, and so forth.

Indie rating: The Knife - "Silent Shout"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x10 "The Girl Who Grates"

Watching this episode, I realized that none of the girls have a character arc that actually develops or grows. Cycle 7 has characterized its contestants to a girl the same from episode 1 to the penultimate 10th episode, characterizations that contradict what I've been calling the show's Pygmalion complex (tearing (see the pun I made there?) the girls down so Tyra can remake them as self-sufficient, sexy, independent, and fully formed women-models). For instance, when Shandi 2 (i.e. Michelle, at least I think so) sort of came out, the show didn't pursue that angle any further (I'm not saying that ANTM should have made a continued fuss over her ambisexuality, just that they seemed to have ignored a possible arc with a built-in character arc). Even now at the final three, how have the girls grown, character-wise? Melrose is as "fake" and cloying as she was in the semifinals, Eugena has actually regressed in her trash talking, and CariDee has continued to be her loopy self.

By itself, however, an unchanging character arc isn't a death knell for a show -- but absent any other compelling quality on the show, it becomes an obvious shortcoming. Then again, this season is full of shortcomings, so maybe it's not so obvious after all -- after all, Eugena is in the top three? I don't think a project as raw as her has ever made it this far, which, yet again, demonstrates the dreg-like quality of the Cycle 7 contestants.

Top Model Parenthetical Rankings
1. CariDee (1) -- If the judges announce either of the two personality-less broads as the winner, I'm going to cry. Also, I forgot to mention in the previous post how CariDee seemed to be joshing with Nigel "Buttplug" Barker in an English accent.
2. Eugena (3) -- Moving on up only because the show is apparently positioning her as CariDee's buddy -- i.e. any friend of CariDee etc.
3. Melrose (2) -- More like Melbore!

Indie rating: Mogwai – "Wake Up And Go Berserk"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x09 "The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot In Her Mouth"

At the beginning of cycle 7, I wrote that "some girls must abase themselves before Tyra so that the retired supermodel, like a maternal Pygmalion, can rebuild their characters from scratch. Tyra drove this very point home again in this episode: "So after this competition, I want you to be strong enough and lift your head up high and be able to handle anything and everything that comes your way. I want you speak well. I want you to look great. I want you to be intelligent. I want you to know this industry. And if I have to say things that make you hate me and make your fans hate me, so be it. I'm gonna sacrifice myself for you." And to take the edge off of this hard-nosed misunderstood mentor guise, she justifies her Pygmalion complex by wrapping herself in maternity wear: "It's harsh and it's strong... It's coming from a place of love and a place of mama. It's mama."

I don't know what to make of the Pygmalion impulse beyond the context of ANTM, since the impulse doesn't really extend to other reality programs. The Amazing Race is about distilling relationships to some core essence; the final two contestants on Survivor usually trot out the "personal growth" line during the jury vote, but the show is still about navigating hurt feelings; Project Runway is about getting one's crunk on. So You Think You Can Dance comes closest, as the judges allegedly want good dancers who improve over the course of the show, but its America Votes angle centers the show firmly around performance (i.e. pleasing the viewers).

Even within ANTM, I'm not sure that the Pygmalion impulse signifies anything, especially about this (lost) cycle. The only general statement I can make about Cycle 7 is that, considering how mundane the competition has been, Monique was probably eliminated way too soon.

Top Model Pygmalion Rankings
1. CariDee (1) -- Apparently Nigel still had that stick up his butt.
2. Melrose (2) -- Running out of things to say about her... um... OLD. No, that's old hat. (GEDDIT?) More seriously, her picture was indeed quite stunning.
3. Eugena (3) -- Default!
4. Amanda (4 or 5) -- Look, a man! Duh!

Indie rating: Autechre - "Lanx 3"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x08 "The Girl Who Breaks Down"

The judges on Top Model have always been illogically capricious, but they never bothered me because their lapses in rationality simply come with the reality tv territory. But in this episode, the judges plumbed a new low in senselessness when they questioned CariDee's ability to serve up a good commercial while speaking Catalan.

Even though they might be justified in thinking that she may have given up on the commercial (I'm speculating here), the judges doubted if she could deliver a commercial at all. I wouldn't be so chuffed if they didn't ignore the fact that (1) she rocked the silent film challenge earlier in the week, and (2) she had them in stitches with her "Hide dizzily" pantomine. Which is to say, (1) and (2) both demonstrate her expressiveness, which the judges apparently forgot (with the possible, surprising exception of Queen Arbitrary herself, Tyra). I was also stunned that they pulled the "don't rest on your laurels" advice, that they considered her Catalan experiment as a chronic character deficiency instead of a bump in the road.

Also, I'm beginning to pull for Melrose, which underscores (once again) how poor this cycle has been. Although most of the girls hate her for being a know-it-all who trashes the other girls behind their backs, they also hate her for being competent -- take the judging. Melrose brown-nosed a little bit, saying that she stayed up longer than the other girls to prepare for the commercial, which led to one of the Shandis to complain that Melrose didn't know how much effort the other girls put into the challenge. The twin's complaint was partly justified, but it also reeked of jealousy: "How dare you point out how committed you are to winning this competition and making the rest of us look like wishy-washy slackers?" So as long as the haters insist on being petty while also being useless, I'll be behind Melrose. Just don't ask me what I'll be doing there.

Top Model Behindness Rankings
1. CariDee (1) -- When she revealed that she had once attempted suicide, I couldn't help but recall when Tyra said that CariDee was maybe too desperate. I also thought back to how I questioned her sentience, which made me feel bad.

2. Melrose (2) -- Smellrose! Haha! I get it now!

3. Eugena (3) -- She inoffensively defaults to third place.

4, 5. The Shandis (4, 5) -- At this point, the only way they'll stop being boring and petty is when they get eliminated.

Indie rating: Murcof - "Ulysses"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x07 "The Girl Who Wrecks the Car"

First, the lack of updates: I'd been on a weeklong vacation, after which I promptly got sick, the combination of which prevented me from covering the Brooke elimination episode and the recap episode. Also, the fact that the contestants are so subpar this cycle wipes away any motivation I might have to stay on top of ANTM. But I'm what you'd call a trooper -- better late than never.

This cycle has probably the least qualified contestants that ANTM has ever had. By qualified, I mean girls who actually want to become models. AJ couldn't handle going outside of her "edgy" comfort zone; Anchal didn't want to be looked at; Monique let dehydration knock her out of the competition (yes, dehydration can be serious, but I'll still blame her for not staying hydrated in the first place); and one of the twins (or maybe both, I can't keep track of them -- which one is the maybe-lesbian?) is there only because the sister's there. With such a roster of girls who are lukewarm about the show's final prize, they're less likely to open up to the camera, thus depriving me personally of desperate girls doing desperate things while being filmed. Just as importantly -- if not more so -- the girls are also submerging their personalities because they're not as into the idea of modeling (e.g. Shandis 1 and 2) -- and the lack of personality this cycle is the biggest loss.

Top Model Lateness Rankings
1. CariDee (1) -- Remains number 1 by default, really. Without a doubt, her unabashed antics are cute, but they're not necessarily indicative of higher sentience.

2. Melrose (8) -- If she even gets to the final two, she won't win because of her less-than-fresh face, but when so many of the other girls are incompetent (remember the disaster when they tried to interview Janice Dickinson?), I can't help but warm up to Melissa Rose.

3. Eugena (amorphously boring) -- At this point, I want to renumber starting at 10 or something, just because of the distance between CariDee and Melrose from the other girls, none of whom stand out particularly. Eugena ranks up here because I vaguely remember that she has diva potential (dissing the previous cycle's contestants, ironically), and also because of white liberal guilt.

4, 5. Twins (amorphously boring) -- As though they were still fused together in the indeterminate mass of boring girls, I still can't tell them apart! Nor do I want to.

6. Jaeda (9) -- At least she's not complaining about her haircut now.

Indie rating: Mogwai - "Wake Up and Go Berserk"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x04 "The Girl Who Joined the Circus"

Another reason why this season is rolling in the sucksauce, but which I forgot to mention last week: this cycle has put the girls in more humiliating challenges than ever. Of course, ANTM has historically humiliated its contestants -- since Pygmalionesque Tyra makes it her business to break the girls down so that she can remold them in her image -- but I don't think that the show has ever gone outs of its way to humiliate the girls so publicly. First (if you don't count the naked skyscraper rooftop shoot), the wobbly-pier runway show, which existed solely to dunk the girls into the water, was filmed in front of a live, captive audience. Second, the challenge in this episode, where the contestants (you'll notice I didn't say "models") were instructed to pose as living statues in front of a small gallery of actual people. While this challenge wasn't as bad as the previous runway shoot, it still took place at a time when the contestants weren't "ready" to be models yet, sort of like putting them out there only half-clothed and then letting clueless bystanders gape at them.

I don't know about other people, but I prefer my reality programs to be hermetically sealed off and separated clearly from the real world until the winner has been remolded by Tyra and is proclaimed ready to debut in the reality of the real world. Neat and ordered reality TV here, messy and unresolvable real reality there. (Put another way, televised reality programs (re)present a structured and ordered reality that's more fantastical and over-determined than real life, but a reality that viewer's can still identify with or aspire to.)

So you can imagine my disappointment so far with how this cycle has been edited poorly; a lot of episodes so far have had some technical editing problem, an example of which occurred in the last episode during judging. Tyra had just finished speaking with Megg, whose tears showed just how badly her confidence had been shattered. Next up came carefree CariDee, all smiles and bubbly "What, me worry?" personality. Tyra started speaking to CariDee, but then the show cut back to still-sniffling Megg, so I was all, "Nuh uh!" Megg's segment was over but it nonetheless spilled over onto and overlapped with Caridee's segment. I don't know if I'm justified in blaming the writers strike for the bad editing, but that's an easy target. WRITERS COME BACK.

Top Model Containment Index
1. CariDee (1) -- Rocked her shots as though she wasn't aware she had an elephant nose on -- like, duh she would. But I'm still waiting for hilarious jewels of hilarity to spill out of her mouth.
2. AJ (2) -- AJ did the double-fist pump when she found out she was going to be the cannibal. Um, higher aspirations, AJ?
3-7. Rest of the girls except Jaeda (3-10)
8. Melrose (amorphously boring) -- If the biggest complaints against the newly installed villain is that she talks behind people's backs and that she's an annoying killjoy, this cycle is already as old and tired as Melrose's makeup-less face. After all, a great villain needs to be equal parts flamboyant and outrageous.
9. Jaeda (androgynously indeterminate) -- I wasn't done listening to Megg rock 'n' roll, but I am done with whatever Jaeda brings to the show (i.e. nothing), especially when she was certain that Anchal was faking her insecurities. Free advice for Jaeda: watch for AJ the Maneater.

Indie rating: Nelly Furtado - "Maneater"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x03 "The Girl Who Goes To Texas"

So ANTM's self-conscious self-referentiality has come to a head with Coryn, Rebecca, April, Camille, Mercedes, Brittany, Shannon, and Bre all making appearances, possibly because the girls in the present cycle aren't up to snuff. Well, probably not, but when does the Evil Diva get eliminated in the third episode? But more to the point, when the show interrupted its elimination judging with J. and Tyra's gospel revival what's-it, it's run out of ideas and has to turn the camera on itself, as opposed to the girls.

Back to Monique. She acts (and gets built up) as one of the vilest villains that the show has ever had, but she took such weak photos and generally acted so princessy/Chosen One-ish that she was never a viable threat to win the competition. For a child of God, she should've been bringing the fierce, but with a bite nowhere near the level of her bark, Mo' was merely a spectacular flameout rather than a memorable villain in some cycle-long narrative arc. And besides, smearing her cooch-germs on Melrose was already so last week.

TOP MODEL INDEXICALITY RATINGS
1. CariDee (1) -- She's the most refreshing girl on the show because she doesn't seem to have a self-conscious nerve in her body. She's not afraid to look silly, stupid, ugly, weird, zombie, inept, or like a man. Why any of her weirdness isn't painful to watch is because she seems chill with embracing her inner freak.

2. AJ (2) -- Still hot, but needs more personality.

3-10. The rest of them.

Addendum: A Typology of Good and Lousy Reality Programming

I knew that for some reason, this post seemed shorter than the post I had envisioned, and that's because I forgot to mention reality programs that envelop the viewer into their narratives and programs that distance and/or alienate their viewers from their narratives.

The first (and better) type of program envelopes the viewer who thusly interacts with the show, typically on a vicarious level. Viewerly interaction principally involves rooting for a certain contestant and (often in conjunction) rooting against a certain contestant, both of which suggest that the viewer has emotionally staked herself into the outcome of the show. Both the viewer and the show get something out of this exchange: the show gets eyeballs, and the viewer is moved emotionally. Sort of the Dasein of reality tv shows.

The second and lesser type of program doesn't provide the viewer an emotional ingress, possibly because the show fails to consistently define an emotional center. More crudely put, the show doesn't successfully establish protagonists for whom viewers can root. Left emotionally barren, viewers can only approach the show from an embittered, critical perspective. This perspective allows the viewer to decode and approach the program critically while watching that program.

Note that I'm using critical in the non-pejorative sense and that the first type of show permits critical perspectives, which, however, are often subsumed into enthusiastic fandom.

All of which is to say in a long-winded and schematic way that a viewer isn't as emotionally invested into a show that's not as good. But also, perhaps, when the "seams" of the show are so obvious (i.e. here's the part where the girls whine about their makeovers, here's the part where someone acts like a lunatic diva, etc.), the show slides over from type 1 to type 2. And therefore sucks.

Which is to say that the quality of the show depends proportionally to the quality of its contestants.

Indie rating: Murcof - "Ulysses"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) 7x02 "The Girl Who Hates Her Hair"

Sure, the last episode of ANTM had all of its (in)famous trademarks handy: intractably juvenile self-entitlement, unreasonable obstinacy, telephone hogging (and, "That's just Monique," to recontextualize her episode 1 quotation), and the obligatory tears -- but at the end of the episode, I felt at once exhausted and empty, as though the show that I had been watching was a tale told by a stupid would-be model, full of catty screams and shorn hair, signifying nothing. The episode didn't do anything wrong on a technical, schematic level; for example, this cycle adheres to classical ANTM spectacles like the girls screaming at each other, or Tyra screaming at them -- and two episodes into this cycle, we've already seen both types of screaming. Unfortunately, we've already seen too much too soon; ANTM so far seems more interested in making sure we get all of the dishy drama, and that we get all of it right now, that the show has become less predictable while it has become, in a word, formalist.

(In this case, by "formalist" I mean the producers seem to approach last night's episode like:
1. Insert footage of contestant being moderately catty.
2. Insert footage of Monique being unreasonable.
3. Make the girls over. Show the teary, whiny aftermath.
4. Repeat 3.
5. Repeat 4.
6. Insert footage of girls crying.
7. Start over from step 1.

Still, the cycle is young, though its youth is cause for both hope and further concern. In the case of the latter, what if ANTM has already blown its proverbial wad (to put it with as much tact as I feel like exercising on the show right now), and the show is inevitably downhill-bound? My magnificent brain tells me otherwise, though, since ANTM (and most every other quality reality TV show) picks up once half the contestants have been eliminated.

But all of the preceding was written to justify the use of the word "formalism," so I'll just get back to reintroducing my:

TOP MODEL RANKNESS INDEX
1. CariDee -- Sure she's weird-looking and sometimes the ug, but she's a complete goof. Something like a taller, much dumber less articulate Joanie.
2. AJ -- When they de-Gothed her, I was worried, because for me, short hair + GOTH = DROOL. But they didn't make her over dramatically at all, especially when she complained her way to a darker hair color again. Yay for the squeaky wheel getting the grease (AKA she is the hottest one on the show)!
3. Anchal -- I don't like her face as much as others; for one, it looks too much like a square tipped onto its corner, though when she all but threw down with Monique in the phone room, that was, like, word. The balls on this chick!
4. Monique -- I caught myself wondering about the claws-out possibilities of a face-off between 'Nique and Jade. But alas, my rationalism dashed such fantasies: Monique is a lightweight princess (her last name is "Babblesworth," ok?) whose hobagness has peaked, while Jade, let's remember, is a soldier. Still, I need to get my schadenfreude on, and she's the all too obvious heel.
5. Brooke -- Starting about here, I'm completely bored by all the rest of the girls. I suppose Brooke has some wide-eyed and naive charm, but she's obviously just a warm body until the real "talents" are left in the show.
6. Melrose -- She gets points for keeping a clean house. She loses points for looking like she's 50.
7. Shandi 1 -- I still don't know which one she is.
8. Shandi 2 -- see 7.
9. Eugena -- Where's her attitude? And was she actually chilling with Monique (she who poured water and ostensibly stole her bed) in the hot tub? Why no beef?
10. Megg -- Boringg.
11. Jaeda -- I'd like her for her short hair if she had the least shred of walk to back up her self-aggrandizing talk.

But seriously though, "The Girl Who Hates Her Hair"? More like "The Girls Who Hate Her Hair"! Do you see what I did there? These ladies need to check their baggage at the door with all the "Aww my hair looks gross now!! ;_;" jive. Cassandra's freak-out was one (glorious) thing; seeing half the girls openly whining about it is another.

Indie rating: Ellen Allien & Apparat – "Leave Me Alone"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7) - 7x01 "The Girl Who Marks Her Territory"

My PopMatters review! Read why I thought the premiere sucked!

I'm particularly fond of the following point, which didn't make the final draft:

And although a “hit dramality series” isn’t the forum in which to confront sociological realities, the semifinalists who share a sob story aren’t shedding light on social iniquity, since Top Model often elides the most disturbing details for the sake of palatable entertainment. Instead, some girls must abase themselves before Tyra so that the retired supermodel, like a maternal Pygmalion, can rebuild their characters from scratch. For example, take “homeless to Homecoming queen” semifinalist Leangela, about whom one of the judges Jay Manuel explicitly says, “If Leangela made it to the next round in this competition, it would almost give her that boost of confidence, and I think we would see her just take off.” After ritually compelling her to air her sad history during the interview, Jay and (implicitly) Tyra consider using the show to rehabilitate Leangela into a top model and, by extension, a successful social being.

After the overwhelming, over-the-top, and fulsome premiere, I still have serious questions about the upcoming cycle.

1. Will identical twins Amanda and Michelle (whom I call “Shandi 1” and “Shandi 2”) be eliminated in consecutive weeks?

2. Will perky, rhyme-dropping Brooke ever improve her flow?

3. Monique is not that pretty.

I know that number 3 isn't a question, but seriously, she's very average-looking.

Indie rating: El Perro Del Mar - "Here Comes That Feeling"

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 7)

T!YBE SCOOP?

It's back!
America's Next Top Model Cycle 7 Premieres September 20th on the CW Network.



SOPHISTICATION AND HIGH FASHION HITS THE RUNWAY
AS THE CW NETWORK REVEALS THE 13 FINALISTS IN THE RUNNING TO BECOME “AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL”

(Burbank, CA) August 15, 2006 – The competition gets fierce and feisty for the seventh cycle of the hit dramality “America’s Next Top Model,” now on The CW, as the 13 finalists fight to make their dreams of becoming a top model a reality. This season, an incredible transformation takes place as the finalists face tougher challenges and live the high life participating in glamorous photo shoots all while living under one roof in a posh Los Angeles mansion. See the dramality unfold in the two-hour, seventh-cycle premiere of “America’s Next Top Model” on Wednesday, September 20 (8:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT) on The CW.

“America’s Next Top Model” participants are:

Name: A.J.
Occupation: Student
Age: 20
Hometown: Sacramento, Calif.

Name: Amanda
Occupation: Bookstore Sales Associate
Age: 18
Hometown: Anaheim, Calif.

Name: Anchal
Occupation: Sales Clerk
Age: 19
Hometown: Homestead, Fla.

Name: Brooke
Occupation: Student
Age: 18
Hometown: Keller, Texas

Name: CariDee
Occupation: Photographer
Age: 21
Hometown: Fargo, N.D.

Name: Christian
Occupation: Bank Teller
Age: 19
Hometown: Columbia, S.C.

Name: Eugena
Occupation: Customer Service Representative
Age: 21
Hometown: Palmdale, Calif.

Name: Jaeda
Occupation: Student
Age: 18
Hometown: Parkersburg, Iowa

Name: Megg
Occupation: Retail Clerk
Age: 18
Hometown: Los Angeles

Name: Megan
Occupation: Bartender
Age: 23
Hometown: San Francisco

Name: Melrose
Occupation: Fashion Designer
Age: 23
Hometown: San Francisco

Name: Michelle
Occupation: Student
Age: 18
Hometown: Anaheim, Calif.

Name: Monique
Occupation: Marketing Representative
Age: 19
Hometown: Chicago

During this cycle, the 13 participants live together and ferociously vie for the grand prize, competing in a highly accelerated modeling boot camp. The participants abilities are tested each week as they strive to master the runway, fashion photo shoots, perfect publicity skills and learn the business aspects of becoming a supermodel, all under 24-hour-a-day surveillance of the “America’s Next Top Model” cameras. Throughout the series, supermodel Tyra Banks, art director of photo shoots Jay Manuel, and runway guru J. Alexander mentor the participants. The new grand prize package for “America’s Next Top Model” will be announced at a later date.

Banks leads the panel of “America’s Next Top Model” judges, comprised of leading fashion industry experts, including supermodel Twiggy, photographer Nigel Barker and runway expert J. Alexander, who closely evaluate the progress of the models to narrow the field each week. In addition, special guest judges appear to critique within his or her area of expertise.

“America’s Next Top Model” is produced by 10 by 10 Entertainment, in association with Bankable Productions. Tyra Banks is the creator and executive producer along with Ken Mok ("Making the Band") and Anthony Dominici ("The Amazing Race").

Buttload of Californians, topped off by Melrose (that's her first name?) who has the gall to be from San Francisco.

Plus, one who looks like Lesbian Kim, and another who likes like Evil Shandi.

Indie rating: Can - "Mother Sky"