America's Next Top Model (Cycle 1) - "The Girl Gets Rushed to the Emergency Room"

During the eliminations, the prior two episodes lacked Tyra explaining the faults and strengths of the last two girls, and the drama suffered for it. But mark my words, even though Tyra's remarks felt brief, especially compared to Cycle 2's, this episode was a watershed in the ANTM aesthetic! (Notwithstanding that horribly, skeletally bare table at which the judges sat, indicative of the low expectations of the series at the time. (For whatever reason, I reacted strongly against seeing the legs of Tyra et al squished together.) The set designers' lame attempt at beautifying that table was quaint, though: roses in a clear vase! Brilliant stroke!)

Robin idiocy of the episode: you would think that it's the JESUSJESUSJESUSJESUS chanting with the snakes, but no! Instead, justifying her purchase of $800 boots by calling her feet her foundation staggered me. If she were genuinely concerned for the health of her feet, she wouldn't be buying HIGH HEELS. Trying to pass herself off as down-to-earth (more often as pious) is her hallmark, and ultimately what brings about her downfall (according to this article). Plus she's loaded, and me being a proper Commie VIVA LA REVOLUCION DOWN WITH ROBIN.

What would a good reality series be without the Oblivious Contestant? I'd like to thank Nicole for her role as such. The obvious example here was her refusal to go to the shindig (where, to digress for a moment, one of the muckety-mucks, in saying that what passes for plus size is seeing an upswing, was patronizing beyond belief. Go to hell.) and later consenting to get her hair redone because she didn't want to torpedo her chances. But the real winner was her comment after she got the boot: "I guess I'm not going to be their next top model."

The next most oblivious person tonight was Giselle, though in her case it's probably more accurate to say that she's got an incredibly distorted way of looking at her surroundings. (I'm not even touching her self-image crises.) When she said that Adrianne going to the hospital and possibly missing the elimination "sad," she just revealed to the nation-wide audience UPN viewers that she has no perspective of reality. While in certain ways Adrianne's emergency and how she dealt with it can be considered admirable, Giselle took a health issue that could have been life-threatening and reduced it solely to a potential stumbling block in a competition.

HERE BEGINS ELYSE CONTENT:

Lots of people may roll their eyes when Elyse describes herself as a nerd. As the some certain have noted, it's hard to be a nerd when you've got a stylishly short a haircut while dating an honest-to-god hipster musician. (Can you honestly say a keyboardist is a musician though haha I jest.) But the proof in the nerding comes from the makeover, before and after. Her pixie haircut was neat and cool, manufactured (in as denotative a sense as possible), whereas her original haircut was shaggy, unkempt, and, you know, AUTHENTIC. And her predilection for cardigan sweaters -- cuddly, but hardly couture.

So, in light of which, I call sell-out.