America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x13 "Season Finale"

And we all thought that Tyra would barrel over common sense in a rush to exert her brand of global hegemonic dominance, but then, reining in the runaway egotism characterized by using ANTM as a venue to express her unifying theories of everything (which leitmotif has dominated the show for several years running), she surprises us with an astonishing display of sober restraint and chooses the right winner.

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x11 "Jez Smith"

We all knew it was coming, but the magnetism of Annaliese's personality is so heady (and her excitement during the go-sees so infectious) that on the night that this episode aired, it roused me against the plodding quotidian that ANTM has become and gave me hope that we'd be granted the subversive whimsy of two Brit finalists for America's Next Top Model. But instead of a living phantasmagoria of teas and crumpets and the two most charismatic characters of the cycle, the humdrum cynicism that has become ANTM's normal again reasserted itself, where its brand of rationalism -- which, as our better senses could've told us -- dictates that an American must, by hook or by crook, participate in the cycle finale; and here we are, represented by Laura, who books half of her go-sees (the fewest among her competitors), and who struggles still with her walk, which, you know, might be an issue in the final runway. Just saying.

So Annaliese quietly became my favorite of the cycle, though probably more because of her easy, breezy (~sigh~) video recaps than because of how the show features her. By and large, the editors have chosen Sophie as our go-to talking head when a light quip is called for; if the internet is anything to go by (bear with me here), her style of eyelash-batting, über-girly frothiness justifies the amount of attention given to her, but between her and the time ANTM takes nowadays to foreground Tyra's interest in social engineering*, the editors have to leave out what I imagine to be Annaliese's choicest bons mots, to their discredit.

Additionally, Annaliese is more right than she admits when she says that Laura's over-the-top sexuality doesn't mesh well with the Top Model brand; in fact Annaliese's garrulousness is exactly the sort of quality that would've made her an exceptional ambassador for the show. (Sophie, as well.)

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x10 "Nicholas Tse"

Strangely, the better the episode this season cycle, the less I have to say about it, especially in light of Alisha's seemingly abrupt withdrawal from the competition, which overshadows a lot of the other episode's proceedings. Despite the general disdain that arises when a contestant quits, I have to admire Alisha here; the show has so thoroughly gotten into her head that leaving is likely the healthiest thing she could ever do on ANTM. What's more, I've always wondered why more girls don't follow her lead, considering the psychological toll ANTM takes on them and apparent disregard for the health and safety the show has for its contestants (e.g. going up a more-than-700-foot tower in a torrential downpour to do a photoshoot). (Being someone who likes reality tv and particularly how it commodifies emotional vulnerability and distress, I'm undoubtedly part of the problem, but for the moment allow me to remain in my bourgeois complacency.)

As an aside, another thing I've always wondered is why women so often have such an irrational fear of heights, at least from a cultural standpoint. I do like Annaliese's imminently logical take on it, though: "I'm not scared of actual heights, I'm scared of falling from a height."

But as irrationality goes, the real head-scratching decision has to do with the call-out order, yet again. Laura's face is certainly divine, but as Annaliese mentions in her latest recap, she's sitting down when the apparent difficulty in the shoot is simply staying upright in the storm. I also know that the producers have invested a lot of energy into pushing Sophie as the top Brit, but again, her shot doesn't strike me as clearly superior to Annaliese's (and I realize that the key rationale explaining this inanity is in the first clause of this sentence). And in fact, Annaliese's photo is the best in my eyes this week, and she should've won the kung fu challenge... but the enterprise of trying sense of the opaque and incoherent mechanisms that determine the call-out order and challenge wins is best summed up thusly:

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x09 "Barney Cheng"

Ah, Macau! China's newest den of vice and corruption, though it's probably been corrupt for ages, so you know that ANTM is right at home.

Case in point: Catherine's elimination, which, from the perspective of the naif, is inexplicable (she's struck me thus far as the perennially underappreciated indie favorite), while the cynic would remark on the breathtaking (and heavy-handed) predictability of cutting a Brit because the show would never let the competition foreground four Brits against the lone Yank. (Though if the producers had let the numbers skew so mightily Blighty, they could've constructed an exceptionalist narrative where the solitary heroine of the story demonstrates essential American fortitude by overcoming the oncoming invasion of suspect foreigners. We'll just call this a "missed opportunity.")

I happen to fall on the cynical end, because given the particulars of this instance, it's hard not to, even without benefit of tin-foil head-wear. In her latest recap, Catherine herself notes that the obviously terrible photo used in her judging is a test shot (the stylists/makeup people hadn't even finished sprinkling her with silkworms yet). When someone gets saddled with this despite having previously shot this and this, I have a hard time resisting the notion that a production poobah decided Catherine had at last confronted the unflinching pragmatism of their agenda, which cannot involve such a drastic diminution of Americans. It's enough to make me gag, if I weren't inoculated to these editorial shenanigans years ago.

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x07 "Estelle"

Clearly, not much happens that requires extensive scrutiny, mostly because everyone's been expecting the episode's most noteworthy development -- Kyle's elimination -- for weeks now. What's more, it happens in the least dramatic way possible: a normal exit because of a weak photo (also, she's on the short-end of the show's institutional investment in her bottom 2 competition, Alisha). In fact, the most standout thing from this episode is Kyle's completely creepy clapping:

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x06 "Jessica Sutta and Nadine Coyle"

If I weren't so arrogant, I'd have packed my ANTM blogging in by now because Annaliese has got episode recaps on lock:




(Her entries for all the other episodes are here on her website.)

Fortunately, my fondness for the internet equivalent of hearing myself talk is keeping me in the blog game. Still, I'll admit that Annaliese has complicated my job this week, and not just in terms of raising the bar for an episode that's ultimately a little disappointing, considering that it was supposed to combine my two favorite things: drama on ANTM (the fight at the beginning over Laura's teddy), and the non-singing Pussycat Dolls.

At the end of the episode, Tyra tells Az that she thought Az had a real shot at reaching the finale of the competition, which I considered merely an empty platitude spoken by a thin-skinned megalomaniac who couldn't ignore a perceived slight. But then Annaliese mentions (at 8:57 in the second part of her recap) how Tyra prefaces her parting remarks with "I don't know if I should tell you this..." and a wary eye cast towards the production staff, which Annaliese reads as a possible point of tension between the production staff and the judges -- that is, do the judges really have the final say over who goes home, or does production? (Which prompts another question for my fellow ANTM historians: who overruled Tyra in Cycle 16 when she tells Brittani that she wanted to send her home?)

If Annaliese is right, then Tyra expresses a genuine sentiment on AzMarie's elimination, which would thoroughly invalidate my initial interpretation of the elimination, i.e. Tyra seemingly taking so much offense at what happened in the tooch teach that she's willing to overlook a superior portfolio and video shoot/recording session to exact some pissed off judgment. Because, seriously? Every time she's on a runway, Kyle's eyes bug out, and her walk up to Tyra after her last call-out is no exception:

Whatever the case, I have to admire the way AzMarie handles the situation: her refusal to participate is the least attention-seeking of all the non-participatory showdowns in the show's history, all expressed in a preternaturally even-tempered manner. (I can also empathize with the principles of her rationale, because I would've been struck with debilitating horror if I'd been in her position. I mean, come on, learning about the various ways you can (and should not) stick your butt out? For Az, who seems to be a Queer Warrior type of person, I'm sure that kind of objectification is deeply uncomfortable.) And then to swallow her pride and admit that she was wrong for walking out? That's an unusual amount of humility and maturity for this show, though to be fair, they've been in evidence in the way AzMarie generally acquitted herself during her abbreviated stay on the show. To put it another way, I'm glad we'll always have her Hammer Dance.

I was in some empathetic fits throughout this episode, actually, and not just for the tooch teach, but for all the ladies having being subjected to those songs ("songs"). The Brits' pull off their merely dumb verses with panache, although I have to say that the group name they choose for themselves reeks of a panicked, last-second decision:

Annaliese: Oi, luvs, guv'nor 'ere says we 'ave to 'ave a group name, and right quick, yeah?
Sophie: 'ows about "Tees and Strumpets"?
Alisha: "Bri'ish Blimey Chickies", like?
Catherine: Saiy, "The Rine in Spine Stais Minely in the Pline"!
Annaliese: Right then, guv, we're "Fiercely British," wot.

(Incidentally, I've been thinking about Anglophone accents lately, partly because of Nadine Coyle, whom I, at times, thought had a Texas drawl, so honestly, I was never going to twig to her Norther Irish accent without help from Wikipedia.)

The Yanks, on the other hand, are saddled with a tune that, for reasons that have nothing to do with making Seymone say "ain't," makes me physically ill. Lyrically so cloying and lazy! It's not like the Americans, with their overall personality deficits, didn't already need some help, but this song just buries the remotest chance they had at preserving their dignity. So, right, the English misses (I can call them English now that Ashley isn't around repping Scotland) had them over a barrel.

Clearly, the Brits own the challenge, with Alisha and Annaliese being the brightest stars out of a bright bunch (but I was stunned that Sophie, whom I adore, gets the second call-out; I credit her with an A for effort, but in plain terms, she did not outperform both Annaliese and Catherine (who brings her own subtler, elbow-deep fierce to the video)). (And I'm not praising Annaliese just because she checked out my blog -- her moves are smooth.) But I'm not going to quibble too much, as I've been dead curious to see what a British victory looks like (it's been a while since the Falklands).

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - (18x05) "Beverly Johnson"

Tyra's trans-Anglophonic escapades broaden out to our polite Northern neighbors, which lets me make a whole different set of easy jokes, including:

• Mr. Jay notes how the show has never participated in a real Fashion Week before, and after Toronto Fashion Week, they still haven't.
• Only in Canada could Mr. Jay launch a "successful" fashion line.
• Any time CNTM is mentioned = lols.

All the Canada-related lolz somehow involve Mr. Jay -- I smell a theme.

But let's not lose sight of the real issue here: ASHLEY. A TOP MODEL NATION MOURNS.

See, the two Yanks aren't the least bit moved, whilst the two Brits look like frightened kittens. Maybe one of them -- Kyle -- is just catatonic with grief?

Concerning Ashley, it's bad enough that the show is taking a week off (for a One Tree Hill finale -- how long has that show been on? Seriously, like 12 years?), it's bad enough that we'll never get to hear more of her accent (the Scottish pronounce "hippy" like "happy"!), but the notion that we'll never get any further installments of the Ashley 'n Sophie Cracking Wise Show is so distressing that Kelly Cutrone is striving to make up for the French quota that's been lagging since André Leon Talley's departure (matissée this, exotique that, Gaugin the other) and AzMarie is doing the Hammer dance.

Aside from Ashley's elimination and the rest of the cast and crew's various methods for grieving (and also, if you're into it, the Canadian porn), this episode doesn't feature a whole lot that's noteworthy, so now's as good a time as any to mention that considering the nearly universal disinterest in the show beyond the perennial "this is the worst season ever" nonsense, I'm finally beginning to wonder about my taste levels, since I've been loving this cycle without reservation and irony. Could I, in my old age, be settling for the cheap thrills and the grovelling wiles of disposable culture? Well, perhaps as those philosophers of partying LMFAO would say, "WIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLE..."

And it's not just me! I have a cohort of equally tasteless fellow travelers.

However, I don't think I'm giving myself enough credit (I rarely do, you know), which means that I can blame everyone else, hurrah. Specifically, I see a couple of possibilities:

1. People generally don't know how to watch shows like ANTM, which have been ridiculous and fatally flawed from the start. The first cycle had the execrable Nolé Marin on the judging panel, for example, who would be the analogue to the terrible Kelly Cutrone. Similarly, contestants who don't seem to deserve being on the competition and who become the focus of intense viewer resentment? Again, taking from cycle 1, Robin! (Another example would be the first season of Project Runway, which would've been frothy unadulterated fun if not for all the toxic recriminations surrounding Wendy Pepper.) 
2. People are just tired of the format. You can see this viewer fatigue in any number of shows that have lasted beyond 3-5 seasons -- longtime fans simply reach a saturation point with the structure of the competitions and start to find it stale, and the even if the content is roughly of the same average quality as the preceding seasons, the over-familiarity drags down enjoyment.

And I'll just end this long overdue post on a note that casts aspersions on the majority of the show's viewers. Mazel tov, or something!

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x04

Before I get to this episode, I need to point out something from the previous one: Ashley. So far, she's been portrayed on the show as this meek and retiring bairn whose shyness outside of "The Ashley and Sophie Clown On All The Yank Girls Show" (we're long overdue on the next installment, by the way) seems fated to weigh down her performance in the contest, oh she is a delicate shrinking violet, when in fact her home media had already labelled her a troublemaker, and the Wikipedia entry for her original cycle suggests that she fell up the competition in a drunken and belligerent stupor. We indeed see Ashley's gulliness firsthand in the confrontation with Seymone (even if the editors apparently want to deemphasize just how raw she can get), where her mouth gets blurred out more than anyone else's, and not only does she get right up into Seymone's business, she actually chest-bumps her (and not in a celebratory way):

That's some Scottish gangsta.

This latest episode is lighter in OGs, unless you count the return of Ms. J, who has at last risen to the heights of celebrity heretofore attained only by the likes of Kris Jenner and Kristin Cavallari, to which honor he gets an episode named after him. Also, the guys driving the lowriders, I guess? And Nigel, too?

Rather than getting down like the G's they all surely are, much of the episode's action is an exercise in demonstrating (to me) that in virtually any endeavor, the British girls will always come off as polished and classy as long as the Americans are around for contrast. For instance, Laura's penchant for fist-pumping bugs a lot of us, yet, when Catherine does a double fist-pump, by jove, she's much more cultured or something about it (it's probably the Union Jack).

And so for the challenge of the episode -- hocking ANTM "products" in one take -- I expected the Brits to outclass the Americans by an order of magnitude, if only by virtue of the usual accent reasons (Ashley, as an example, is so adorable even when she describes her deviant, sexual, bum-smelling habits); but as a matter of fact, I think that by any measure, as a group the Brits are collectively more personable and self-assured than their American counterparts. Of course Annaliese's magnetism and effervescence sets her far apart from the rest of the competition, though Sophie's enthusiastic cuteness has an amateurish charm as well. Unsurprisingly, they were both rated among the highest, but their company in the top three -- Kyle -- clearly did not belong.

So clearly, this focus group is a bunch that can't think straight when faced with a pretty white girl droning on painfully about fake breath mints. What's more, we have at least one guy who strains to realize that, in describing what he didn't like about Alisha's spot, he's about to enter racially sensitive territory, and struggling pathetically (in an almost entertaining way) against his deficit of sense and decorum, and settles on saying that he didn't like her "African" accent. This despite Alisha, like all of her British cohorts, having better presence and elocution than the American girls, which, by extension, means she's vastly better-spoken than the idiot who complains about her African accent. (The focus group is in a strange class/race mood generally, as evidenced by another imbecile calling Laura "ghetto.")

But, as I get off my high horse, I realize that I may be suffering from my own lack of moral imagination; maybe the focus group are so bowled over by Kyle's ad because they're, like, all music critics and thought they're seeing a massively stoned Feist in some terrible post-post-modern performance art.

And while I'm in such a charitable mood, maybe I've been unfair to Laura as well, who has been asserting herself as a mainstay at the top of the callout order each week. More importantly, however, she seems to have lost the hideous blue and red tracks from her hair:

Also, I definitely do not laugh at the awfulness of Lisa's ad every time it flashes onscreen:

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x03 "Cat Deeley"

Firstly, as indicated by the episode title, my pretty little mind could barely handle two of my sincerest reality tv loves colliding on the same show. Shame that Cat got completely overshadowed by the whole mess between Kelly Cutrone and Louise, whom I was all set to defend until her outburst at panel -- not that I really blame her for it. Kelly "I'm Not Doing Math" Cutrone did come off as an overbearing micro-manager (way to dispel stereotypes about women in positions of authority), first by pointing to herself as a good leader and to Annaliese as a bad leader, then by making up rules about not running around on set because it creates a chaotic atmosphere. Hm. Maybe this is why I'm an office drone and not upper management, but when there's only a handful of minutes left to finish a shoot (as a result of admittedly ineffectual leadership, but that's closing the barn door after the horse has already bolted), perhaps the last thing to worry about is the appearance of disorganized frenzy, and, I dunno, getting the job done. 

I may be coming down harshly on Kelly Cutrone, but then, this is what she sez when she thinks about punk rock: "Clean, cool rock 'n roll." My only response is to cue Sophieface:

Onto lighter matters, though if you think about this in the context of an American educational crisis, especially at the college level...

If Harvard had known that one of its graduates from the Owner/President Manager Program would go on tv, don a cape, and call herself "Super Smize"* for the second time in her life (that we know of) while wearing a baffling neon strip around her chest, and then use a superhero conceit as an excuse to grope and slap the chests of young girls, then they'd better reassess their admissions criteria, or else... well, they still have more dignity than Stanfurd. Then again, the entire exercise did give Ashley and her amazing accent an opportunity to say "capes." OMG.

* Full disclosure: I love and will forever love any idiotic appearance of Super Smize.

America's Next Top Model: British Invasion (Cycle 18) - 18x02 "Kris Jenner"

As stupid as ever, but it's harder to tell thanks to the British accents and interjections of "tea and crumpets." In fact, the apparent segregation of the girls into American and British quasi-teams inadvertently casts a more historicist despair over the usual ANTM inanities that I cannot live without. Through the magic of putting together a bunch of strangers from disparate backgrounds, strange bedfellows abound on reality tv, but perhaps no fellows (say, what's the female equivalent of "fellow" -- "fella"?) stranger than Mariah, who's Native American, getting in bed with Americans by fixing the blame for the genocide of an aboriginal population on the British. "Tea and crumpets" sounds so much more sinister now.

Beyond historical whitewashing, outsourcing half the spots to foreigners also incites the sadly expected eruptions of nationalist fervor; to say the least, chants of "USA! USA!" on my favorite dollop of surreality television makes me deeply uncomfortable, not to say leery of the most vocal nationalist, Laura. Her Ugly American exceptionalism is matched only by her crimped Ugly American hair; while the former is likely to be a permanent personality defect, at least the latter gives way to the actual heart of the show -- shakeovers! I'm a bit put off that they're not calling them "Ty-Overs," but Tyra's apparently getting into the spirit of Blighty and coined the neologism as a portmanteau of "makeover" and "Shakespeare."

Notwithstanding Eboni's run-in with a curling iron, the usual makeover, excuse me, shakeover histrionics were kept to a disappointing minimum. If I were AzMarie, I'd have been throwing a fit for getting "ANTM" shaved into my head -- it's not the '90s anymore, nor is it 2009 when the '90s were in again. In fact, she and most of the other girls were so equanimous about the shakeovers that she took to shampooing and washing their hair as well. As for more burgeoning bete noire, Laura got rid of that jank hair she came in with, only to be given red and blue tracks to go with her newly bleached platinum hair -- yes, she's red, white, and blue, and it is as belligerently tacky as it sounds. Still, a marked improvement over the so-called 'do she brought into the competition.

At least Louise got right stroppy about getting her hair lopped off and darkened -- from her aggrieved indignation, she seems to have never watched ANTM before which wouldn't be a surprise if it weren't for all the British girls seeing ANTM as a ticket straight to model stardom. Some hard truths don't seem to survive the trip across the Atlantic.

As I'm all out of British slang -- oh wait, fan dabby dozy and the expression of fatal embarrassment Nigel was rocking (for the longest time, he could smugly sneer at the cultural detritus of America, now the tables have turned) (by the way, he's become such a fixture on the show I'd nearly forgotten that he's an English subject) -- I'll end by saying that I'm awfully chuffed that my two favorite British girls -- Sophie (whose delicate kewpie features make her far and away the hottest of all the contestants) and Ashley (who as a Scottish lassie seems to have recovered from the trauma of being a forced to impersonate Princess Di) -- get on like marmite and whatever goes well with marmite.