Monday, July 11, 2005

Rock Star: INXS - 1x01

First of all, let's get this indie-ist gripe out of the way: these folks aren't in contention to become actual rockstars. I mean, INXS for crying out loud. Not that I've heard more than one INXS song in my life (to my knowledge), which actually makes my point for me: if they were genuinely the RAWK, then I'd know them better than I do. What then is a real rockstar? First, a real rockstar wouldn't go on a reality show to become one. Or if he did (because, come on, we all know that women don't rock!!), he'd use it to be a counter-cultural anarchic rebel whatever and immediately precede to alienate everyone on the show, including the band and that preening pile of overratedness, Dave Navarro.

So yeah, this show isn't about rock, it's about celebrity, and the perversion of the American Dream (used to be it took hard work to get to the top, now it takes a little bit of hard work and then a reality show to short-cut your way to fame). But this show is destined to be awesome, because it's a Mark Burnett joint. From what I can remember (since I'm so indie rawk I forget everything, and because I didn't bother to take notes):

ROCK STAR ROCKNESS RANKINGS (I know a good idea when I steal one.)

1. Daphna - Resident hottie, good voice. Though that 'spontaneous' tribute to her dad smacked of pure posture. Who cares, the ROCK is about hotness.
2. Neal - Sure, the show has started off as a study in recycling, but at least Neal successfully steals from the classics (in this case, Mick).
3. Ty - Very polished. Except that he's too polished.
4. Deanna - I actually missed her performance, so I'm just going by the enthusiasm she's getting from the judges.
5. Jordis - I don't like her much, but she seems to impress. Aside from her rather boring version of the Who, her biggest failing is that she's too short, which detracts from her stage presence (flares don't help, kid).
6. Suzie - I actually think that her flub was anomalous, and that she'll rebound. She does have good pipes, and she'll be able to calm down once she gives a good performance. Too bad she's a flat-out ho bag for trying to psyche Marty about the polyps and nodes.
7. Heather - I'm running out of the people who, as far as I'm concerned, stand a chance, and now going purely by looks. Heather is a redhead. Redheads are hot. Heather is, unsurprisingly, hot. But she looked terrified and unsure of herself.
8. J.D. - I actually don't think that he went that far "over the line" -- the girl didn't seem to mind too much about him grabbing her hair (then again, there wasn't a close-up, and the girl may have been too petrified to give a noticeable reaction) -- but the kid has skills and exuberance.
9. Brandon - I don't remember a thing about his performance, which probably means that he wasn't awful.
10. Tara - See Brandon.
11. Jessica - Unlike the previous two, I distinctly remember watching her perform, but like Brandon and Tara, I don't recall a single detail of her song -- except that it was bland. Not surprising, since her favorite artists include Gwen Stefani and anything that bloody Scott Weiland is in. She looks a little like Avril, also.
12. Marty - When that one guy described him as cliche, I immediately agreed -- except in my mind, the guy meant every trite rock-pose with absolutely none of the 'heart' that's supposed to come with it.
13. Mig - The Nirvana song overmatched him.
14. Wil - See Jessica, but times a jillion.

And the big loser: Dana (who did a sub-Janis Joplin, torchlight diva inflected "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"). She must have thought that she was Beth Gibbons and that the show was Portishead Star, instead of RAWK STAR.

Indie rating: Tarental - "Hello! We Move Through Weather!"

1 comment:

Barry said...

Haha, MINDMELD on the whole INXS =! "rock stars" thing. I can't see myself watching this show regularly except to laugh at all the reality show cliches (which were in abundance here, even moreso than most reality shows), so fortunately, I have your blog with which to follow along.

I can't be the only person who thinks that Heather looks like a heavily tattooed Mary Hansen (RIP).