Thursday, September 22, 2005

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 5) - 5x01 "The Girl with the Twisted Catch Phrase"

I want to say immediately that Twiggy, with her "Oh ho ho, jolly good jibe!" laugh is altogether too proper and polite. I lament Janice's decision to leave her judgeship on the show; your acerbic and exhibitionist outspokenness is already missed. "Starring" in The Surreal Life and becoming the center of whatever bad idea show UPN has in store will prove that a little bit of Janice's loud mouth goes a tremendously great distance.

The entire first hour is completely superfluous, and every time Tyra decides to show the pre-competition eliminations is clearly an endeavor in vanity. The focus isn't so much on the girls, it's on the judges and how allegedly witty they can be. As "wild and crazy" as they are, the judges are not the focus of the show. But please, no one tell Tyra that.

So, the Cycle 5 edition of DUH duh duh DUUUH:

1. Lisa - She has a really angular face to go with her rough, coarse and edgy personality. Her body is athletic and she carries it with poise. Clearly, I take back what I initially said about her. I privately hope that she took a swig direct from the bottle of cider (and mixed in a little backwash while she was at it) to deliberately piss off Cassandra. One way or the other, she's my early pick to win, a conclusion that arrived at through my painstaking sabermetric analysis.
2. Cassandra - Every cycle has its arrogant bitch. What's more, she's from Texas, which apparently hands every one of its people a high horse as well. Nevertheless, her picture was impressive since she showed an inkling of versatility.
3. Nik - I like that walk! It reminds me of Merton Hanks's chicken dance.
4. Bre - Ms. J said that Bre is one of those hungry girls who live/breath/sleep/who cares modeling. Obsessiveness at this level will likely impress the judges for an extended run through the competition.
5. Jayla - Weird enough to go pretty far, and hey, she's cute, but god, she needs a new vocabulary. "Fornicate," indeed, and it's always the religious ones that lay one without owning up to it.
6. Kim - Another girl I was very wrong about. Her voice is annoying and she's horribly uncomfortable when attention is turned to her (see: her extremelyfasttalking and failed attempt at witty rejoinders). Mr. Jay (cripes, I can't believe I'm using their nicknames now) expected her to learn things quickly given her supposed intelligence, but modeling may be so out of her context that she might not be able to adapt to it. For instance, how can someone say that her dream is not to be in academics, but in modeling, yet she never bothers to learn how to put on makeup or walk smoothly in heels? I anticipate the judges keeping her around as this season's primary reclamation project to see if she will ever turn the corner.
7. Diane - On the strength of her face and 'tude, she'll make decent progress, but eventually her enthusiasm is going to get beaten down like every other plus-size contestant before her has been beaten down.
8. Nicole - A bit clueless, but with a quirky enough look to get her past the early rounds.
9. Ebony - A lot clueless. "Don't get it twi..." Oh please. It's bad enough that she's sufficiently precious to have her own vacuous motto (Hey! A motto doesn't not a model make! I'm the clever one here!), but she feels compelled to use polysyllabic words. And by "use" I mean "make up."
10. Coryn - Tyra has never been more on point than her "Groucho Marx" remark.
11. Kyle - Pretty. Boring.
12. Sarah - She has the same shambling lack of confidence that Michelle had last cycle, and hopefully the judges will see that the show is no place to try to fix that. Plus, either she or Jayla has to go so that I can call one of them "Silent But Deadly."

Ashley - From a simple fan's perspective, her selfish drive to win, alienating whoever happens to be around her, was enough to justify my pleasure when she was eliminated. But as a wizened veteran of reality tv, cutting her now deprived me (it's personal now) of the potential drama, screaming matches and whatnot.

Indie rating: Camera Obscura - "Underachievers Please Try Harder" [I'm talking to you, Kim.]

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