Monday, December 18, 2006

America's Next Top Model

With The Amazing Race announcing that its next installment will be an All Star edition, I cried myself to sleep with thoughts of an ANTM: All-Stars instead of this "British Invasion" silliness that the CW is springing on us. (As an aside, why BNTM and not Canada's Next Top Model? Did they think that viewers wouldn't understand Next Top Model: War of 1812?)

Think about it. Survivor had its All Stars edition after their seventh installment, and now ANTM has completed seven cycles. What's more, one of the many problems of Cycle 7 was that most of the girls were talentless and that few of them could credibly threaten CariDee and Melrose's spots in the final two; so on the other hand, All Star models ("models") would (theoretically) provide a competitive show.

And maybe Tyra could actually give the winner what the show promises: a genuine modeling career.

My list of would-be All Stars, organized by the function that they'd serve in a(n) (All-Star) reality program:


  • Elyse (Cycle 1)

  • Yaya (Cycle 3) -- AKA Reverse Elyse.

  • Kim (Cycle 5)

Ok, so I'm using the term "intellectual" loosely.

Girls who need the work (You: "LOL what ANTM alumna doesn't need work?")


  • Robin/Robynne (Cycle 1) -- Sanctimonious and old? That's what I'd call the perfect ANTM contestant. Also works (supposedly) as token "plus-size model." Two for one, because SHE'S A PLUS-SIZE oh never mind.

  • Jade (Cycle 6)

Bad Girls
Distinct from Villains, Bad Girls are had the temerity to decline the sloppy seconds that Tyra offered them, thus incurring Tyrant's wrath.

  • Adrianne - An instant storyline wherein she and Tyra finally end their beef, like Tyra did with Naomi. (And about as effectively, too.)

  • Tiffany - Tyra could work out her fake maternalistic impulses on Tiff.

Chaff Girls
Sounds dirty, but alas, Chaff Girls are quite mundane. Every All Star installment needs some competent but boring chaff who ultimately doesn't affect the outcome of the competition. Could also be called Robot Girls.

  • Nik (Cycle 5)

  • April (Cycle 2)

Crazy Girls

  • Lisa (Cycle 5) -- Everyone's favorite drunk alcoholic incontinent!

  • CariDee (Cycle 7)

Joanie Girls
Last but certainly not least.

  • Dani(elle) (Cycle 6)

  • Joanie (Cycle 6)

Indie rating: Massive Attack - "Silent Spring"

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