24 - 6x01-6x04 "6 A.M. - 10 A.M."

YOU HAVE MY WORD! 24 Fantasy Punditry

24, if anything, believes in a world that's different now, a world in which everyone must take sides because of, you know, TERRORISM. Which means, of course, that everyone is either us [sic] or against us. No place for people to just chill and go about their daily lives anymore -- you either have to align yourself with the (White) Man and rat on your homogenous "brothers," or you have to try to blow up America!

OK, enough stupid stuff that makes your head hurt! It's time for the rundown on who's on the upswing and who's bombing in the world of 24.

PAUL RISERS
Curtis Manning - Sure, I whiffed on usually dependable Curtis in the preseason analysis, but I wasn't wrong, I just need to pimp Superfly a lot more. Getting shot in the neck? That's no liability, that's motivation, Bauer-style!

Jack Bauer - As emo as his complaints were ("I can't do this, I don't know how anymore"), and the unfortunate gacking after he motivated Curtis, Jack's psychographics are probably at an all-time low. But his numbers (and his chompers) don't lie: he's still a productive player. If owners were impulsive enough to cut-and-run on him, hit the waiver wire fast.

Morris O'Brian - To break kayfabe momentarily, a women's shoe salesman CTU minion as lowly as Morris gets onto the RISERS list because he is apparently the only character who realizes the inane, po-faced enterprise of 24 -- "Open this socket, filter that packet," all delivered in ponderously serious power-whispers -- and treats it with the smug disdain and mockery it deserves. Morris is the only one who hasn't been sucked into the show's self-importance, to which even Chloe has succumbed: "You know how I feel about Jack! ~*swoon*~"

UNAMERICAN FALLERS
Hamri Al-Assad - If it weren't for terrorists, blacks and whites wouldn't be fighting and killing each other -- GRRR!

Bill Buchanan - Finally being called on his imperial nakedness now that he can't lean on an effective Jack Bauer, Buchanan has, for now, lost his ability to command Team CTU. When he wasn't yelling (though to be accurate, his voice was on more of a whining level) at his teammates on the floor, he threatened his go-to players with the tired and weak "If we weren't already understaffed, I'd fire you!" shtick. He says that every time there's a crisis!

People of Valencia - Hahah pwned.

Indie rating: The Gap Band - "You Dropped a Bomb on Me"