Sunday, November 11, 2007

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 9) - 9x08 "The Girls Who Crawl"

In a twisted, inverted, perverted, blasphemed, desecrated, depraved form of the Paris Hilton Principle (i.e. famous for being famous), "The Girls Who Crawl" instantly became memorable for being the most unmemorable episode in Top Model history. Nothing of lasting interest happened.

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Tyra's video modeling teach was excruciating for every one of its five minutes (I'm not enticed by wannabe models rubbing their hindparts against a wall or crawling in abject submission to an egomaniac, see I'm no prevert) that had more to do with Tyra revisiting her past glories (and I mean past: George Michael and Lionel Richie? How old is Tyra again?) to a group of special ed students after running wind-sprints.



Gee Ty, could you slow down and use more manual semaphores? I'm still trying to understand this "TV camera" contraption.

After Tyra's teach, the video shoot was an equal waste of time, first because Enrique didn't bother to understand the details of the shoot. You'd think that if this video shoot with the girls was of any import, you Iglesias would have made sure to know exactly what and how this ANTM tie-in was going to proceed, instead of bumbling in at the last minute and being under-prepared...

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... he's going to pick one girl only to be in the video? Oh, they're all going to be in the video! -- all while being filmed for broadcast. (As if this show didn't already have a history of slapdash and cut-rate production.) Oh, actually, the girls aren't going to be in the actual video; the one they shot is a "special" cut that's only available in a heavily pixelated streaming version on the CW website that you can't even find on Youtube.

Clearly, this alternate take was important enough for the video's producers to reshoot the scenes with Enrique and the female lead so that the Top Model girls were in the shot.

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Or not. (The mise-en-scene for the Top Model version went Saleisha and Sarah on the left, and Bianca on the right.)

The only thing of note that happened this episode was Heather passing out, yet while medical emergencies are almost always grist for judging panels -- either of the "Oh she's such a trooper variety! You go girl!" variety or "You have to suck it up and get your shot" -- Heather's swoon was never mentioned by anyone.

It's like ANTM had something elaborate planned for this episode which fell through at the last moment so they had to throw some random filler together.



Going back to the video, Jessy Terrero said that the girl they were looking for should have a goth quality, which explains why they picked Lisa.

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Meanwhile, Jenah was last seen brooding intensely on a rooftop at night, readying to sink her huge teeth into a cigarette.

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(Note: the only thing I added to the fang pic were the enlarged canines, and Jenah still looks like she has a mouthful of novelty Halloween teeth. My god, I love her.)



Speaking of my favorite teeth girl, here's Jenah, on the crawling- and wall-sliding seminar: "The flirting and being sexy and a whole bunch of stuff and controlling your body at the same time, it's all pretty hard."

She's really taken to the blonde thing, hasn't she?

One thing, though, that impressed me is that she was a voice of reason against Bianca's millionth petty flame-fanning.

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Also, her teeth.

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Chantal, the proverbial underachiever, believes... well, she can speak (barely) for herself:

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I wonder what could be the cause of her skewed outlook?



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Indie rating: Sisters of Mercy - "Temple of Love"

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1 comment:

joy said...

Tyra Banks needs to teach these girls that it's not all about being beautiful on the outside. The inside counts for something too. A lot of the past winners have looked semi decent but are horribly cruel and starting trouble for the other girls.All in all Great show!! Catch all eps Download America's next top model here..