I can't quit Tyra, nor can I let a new season of Top Model being without commenting on it, though the good news -- for me, anyway -- is that I haven't been this excited for a new cycle in a very long time. What's different, and why isn't the string of WTF seasons dampening my hopes? A happy coincidence: I've learned to stop worrying and love inauthenticity, while this cycle of ANTM seems to have embraced inauthenticity with both increasingly flabby arms, all of which means that I am more than ready to love this show again even if don't have as much time to give over to blogging about it, and hence, this boring, abbreviated post.
Inauthenticity! More than just Tyra's frightfully stupid/awesome entrance as the Goddess of Fierce -- all the contestants have been virtually recycled/cloned from the previous cycles (or else I'm just too lazy to think of any new archetypes for them to inhabit). The way I'm seeing this cycle, the show has stopped being a simulacrum of the modeling industry; instead, it's a simulacrum of past seasons of the show. When in doubt, get meta, I always say.
A mathematical rundown of Cycle 12's clones, after the jump.
Sandra: Terrible walk that she thinks is hot + African + immediately proving Marvita wrong about Africans being nice = Fatima - orange hair.
London: (Really, really ugly style + that stupid headband + annoying + THAT HEADBAND) ^ Jesus = Amis + any of the other Christers from past seasons.
Aminat: 'fro = YaYa. (Which is to say, the Angela Davis 'do is a constant and will always resolve to YaYa, which makes me racist.) (And if Tyra so much as touches the 'fro -- they're doing makeovers already next week? -- I'm going to cry.)
Celia: Pronounced eyebrow ridge + platinum blond + pale as hell + crone's face = Michelle (Cycle 4) - scabies + Melrose + Stifler.
Isabella: Cheekbones + short blond bob + nice smile - epilepsy = Kherington. (Bold move, Tyra, copying another reality show!) (Even Nigel thinks so when he described her photo as being "more like dahhhnce than anything.") (True fact: when Kherington auditioned for SYTYCD, I thought that ANTM would be a more suitable reality show for her.)
Kortnie: "weird" spelling of "Courtney" = Kortni. (Tyra be cribbin' SYTYCD.) (But seriously, who's Kortnie? I don't remember her.)
Fo: ("Blaxican" + hippie) / Vietnamese rice noodle soup = Jael - "Blewish" - nosestud + twee + commercial + freckles/facepoop + CUTE + ADORABLE + DELIGHTFUL. (Really now, she's so cute I'm getting hungry just thinking about her.)
Hooray for Eyeballs, then, because even if Allison is old internet news, she's at least bringing something we've not seen on ANTM, not to mention the lolz. Even if you're not mesmerized by her witcheyes, you have to admit that she's got perfect timing and delivery.
Also, THEM EYES.
I can't stop looking at them -- they're like if you cross Homeric sirens with black holes and enchanted boobies.
Actually, when she's eating or thinking about food, Allison is nearly as cute as Fo.
One bit of authenticity, then I promise to be fake as hell again: I had a nosebleed the morning after the premiere, so Allison, heh heh, you know where you can find me.
So, to sum up the girls...
Isabella, I'll admit, seemed like an exceptionally nice person. After Sandra pitched a fit about the girls talking too loudly while she was trying to sleep, Isabella interviewed, "Sandra is a conflicting... force in this house, and I really hope she tones down whatever she's got going on." Almost anyone else, in that moment, would've said that she'd hoped that Sandra was going home, but Isabella took a path that's a lot more positive and constructive -- which makes her one nefarious mustache short of being Kherington's evil twin.
Besides, someone who brings a cute stuffed elephant to a jaded and cynical and preposterous show like ANTM is all right in my book.
We see that this kitchen is stocked everything young women need to eat: a giant bowl of candy, and mustard.
Indie rating: Mirah - "Generosity"