Friday, October 07, 2005

America's Next Top Model (Cycle 5) - 5x04 "The Girl With The Disclaimer"

Yay! This season -- ahem, I mean, cycle -- suddenly has the looks of being ridiculously engaging, though I'm at a loss to pinpoint exactly why I've come to this decision. Also, I can't say with any certainty that my amusement will continue further into the season, but boy, what a hoot this episode was, and I can try to explain why I enjoyed it.

First, Jayla's coming out party (poor choice of words). Going from short hair to long back to shorty-CUTE has never done more for anyone since Winona Ryder. (Except Winona, to my knowledge, still has long hair.) The fact that Jayla embraced her second hair cut (even though it's not a radical difference from what she originally started with) while Cassandra took her moral stand and became the first contestant in Top Model historiography to voluntarily leave. That is, we got a trooper, a heroine we could root for, and a villain, whose intractable attitude made her an easy target for fan vitriol.

Not to be content with establishing one heroine and one villainess, the episode also showed another way that Cassandra should have conducted herself. One path was mapped out by Jayla, the other by Sarah. (SILENT BUT DEADLY TWINS POWERS ACTIVATE!) She took her elimination with grace through her disappointment.

One last amusing note before I go ahead with the rankings; Bre "finally won something." Yeah, 4 weeks is forever!

1. Nik (2) - She continues to impress me with her consistently top photos. The neck bob is still cool!
2. Jayla (7) - SUPERCUTE! LIKE ANIME CHARACTER! CUTE! With or without makeup, even!
3. Lisa (1) - The first chink in her armor, exposed! Her identity as a model seems to be composed entirely of poses/walks nicked from other models. She's incorporated them well, but in the end, she's solid in a generic way, which is enough to get her to the top four. And the only reason I don't have her in fourth is because there isn't anyone else who will step up.
4. Nicole (3) - She hit a bump in this episode, but the judges seemed to have forgotten about her previous success in front of the camera. I guess I like humongoid foreheads, too.
5. Bre (5) - A hot walk, but she disappears during shoots.
6. Coryn (8) - She has no visible assets as a model, but she doesn't have the glaring weaknesses that stand out. Thus, she shall become my dividing line between the chaff and the grain, between the girls who have obvious weaknesses and the girls who have their act together.
7. Kyle (10) - The judges appreciated her growth with that leggy walk, but Kyle still needs a personality transplant.
8. Kim (6) - Whether she knows it or not, Kim is slumming with this competition. "Oh my, I'm positive that after a 180-page thesis on American interventionist foreign policy, wouldn't it be dreadfully fantastic if I were to ply my hand at this trade?" As I've said in prior posts, girls looking to "find themselves" never do well on Top Model -- and they weren't struggling with the gender-identity quandary. Yet, I predict that she'll be around one episode longer than she should since the judges continue to see some non-existent potential in her.
9. Diane (11) - The only reason she's still around is because others had more glaring problems than she does.

Sarah - Get a new boyfriend. Perhaps the problem with her walk is because her lips made her top-heavy.
Cassandra - Boo on you, for three reasons! First, you've bollocksed up my rankings! Second, you were a stuck-up poor sport! Third and most importantly, you deprived me of the chance to see you with a SHORTYSHORTYSHORT Mia Farrow haircut! And her prediction that we the viewers might see her again in a nationally televised pageant? Don't bet on it, unless she happens to come from a town called Self-Absorbed And Deluded.
Ebony - It was telling that last week, during the group shot that faded out the eliminated girl, you could barely tell that Ebony was even there to begin with.

Previous Cycle 5 Rankings
5x03 Rantness
5x01 Stankness

Indie rating: Boris - "Ano Onna No Onryou"

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