Thursday, May 04, 2006

24 - 5x20 "2 A.M. - 3 A.M."

YOU HAVE MY WORD! 24 Fantasy League Analysis
After almost four months of meandering storylines that end up dangling (Bierko, anyone?), we're finally in the homestretch that really counts: May sweeps! At this point, the real stars come out to shine now while the wannabes choke and fade away. No surprise, then, that only two characters made it to the Hott list, and surely you can guess which two.

Chloe "Two Times a Taser" O'Brian - Nothing turns her on like free bandwidth, baby.

Jack Bauer - I know that I've already said this before, but always bet on Jack. On top of his two suckerpunches, he gets to act like a fascist and terrorist at the same time with total impunity: instituting a passenger-by-passenger search while waving a gun around in a plane, after assaulting an innocent German. Commendable!

Martha Logan - Although "You don't have much personality, do you" would normally qualify her to be on the HOTT list, she lands on the NOTTs for two reason. First, she hasn't told off other personality-less characters in a similar way. Second, she's gotten so worked up over a turd of a husband.

Mike Novick - Time to bring out the old Novickaine nickname, considering how he reacted in no way when Martha Logan downed her pills with a glass of booze.

Karen Hayes - She turned into an interesting counterpoint to President Logan's coverup. Hayes deliberaly dragged her feet on an investigation and offered unilaterally illogical justifications for her odd-to-her-underlings behavior. But you know, she's got the truth on her side. So much truth that she's going against direct executive command without having heard or seen any hard evidence. I love Amerika 24! (By the way, I'm almost positive that someone referred to her as "Miss" Hayes -- how much you want to bet that she goes home to her Spinster City apartment?)

Bill Buchanan - When the Homeland taskforce stormed Buchanan's home, he said that he would only speak to Hayes. Then when he had her on the phone, he told her he had nothing to say to her. Which can only mean that he has a crush on Hayes and he's trying to play it smooth. Well, she is single.

Scott Evans - Every playoff, someone unknown comes out of nowhere to blossom on the national stage of the playoffs. But for every Francisco Rodriguez (and I'm loathe to name someone from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of Soutern California of the State of California of the United States of America (wait I'm a lefty!) Amerikkka of Your Mother from 2002) or Adam Vinatieri, there's... um... that one guy... and what's his face... and Peyton Manning who folded hard under pressure. We'll be able to add Scott "Who?" Evans, the latest disposible 24 villain, to that second list.

Graham - Still bald and still waiting to score that elusive first playoff victory. Not a great way to make a debut this late into a season -- hopefully he won't be starting any long novels.

President Logan - I remember in 2001 when my Yankees hate first bloomed. As much as I shouldn't have rooted for division rivals of the Giants (let's not forget how mercenary the D-Backs were about buying the World Series), I had to root for whoever played the Yankees, and so I was always relieved when David "Had the brains to smack Halle Berry, which makes the last name ironically appropriate" Justice came to bat. And I only mean "came to bat" in the loosest sense: two hits, one walk, and nine strikeouts in 12 at-bats. The outfielders probably sat down whenever he came up. Anyway, Logan doesn't even have that one walk.

Next column: 3 a.m.
Previous column: 1 a.m.

Indie rating: Hawkwind - "Assult And Battery"

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